I often find myself lost in thought. Recently I have been practicing mindfulness and becoming more aware of my body and mind. I think that I used to spend so much time in the past stressing, trying to control everything about myself. The way I looked, acted, felt, performed. I have slowly become more open to the idea of awareness vs. control or change. I still believe that I have areas needing improvement, because who doesn’t? How are you able to improve, or change anything, without knowing what needs fixing? For example, in times that I find I am becoming frustrated or upset, I take a moment to scan my body. “What is this emotion? What is the cause of this feeling? Take a deep breath.” In the past I would notice when I was beginning to feel something, and instead of exploring what it was or why I was experiencing it, I would automatically try to change it to “happy” or “okay”. I think a lot of us are like that. We don’t allow ourselves to feel. We only let the “good” show. In my personal experience I only recognize good and happy because I have experienced and felt the bad and pain.
It is not a crime to feel emotions. There are so many and they are all so important to building and creating the person you become. We don’t always need to wear a mask that says you are happy and great. It is okay not to be okay all the time. So the next time you are mad or upset or hurt. Just remember to recognize that feeling and then allow your body to breathe through it and remember that it is okay to need a minute (or a day).
I don’t want to be an actress. I want everyone to know me. The real me. Not some act that they see in public. One of the most important values I have is honesty. If I am not being honest with myself, or others, how is the rest of the world supposed to be honest with me? I have been recognizing when I start to put on the mask that smiles and says “everything is fine”. I am learning to become okay with not needing to please people. I guess that’s what it all comes down to. People pleasing. I am definitely a person who will try to go above and beyond to please others. Almost as if I crave the validation or praise they give me. I hate that about myself. I love helping others and I love to see their reactions when something kind is done for them. But I hate that I feel like I have to do it in order to be good enough. I am working on it. I am becoming better at just practicing kindness and love and not wanting or expecting anything in return.